Yeah, I'm an evil mom.
They are driving me NUTS! I told Boy Caesar and Faory Princess if they could stop squabbling for two days I would take them to the lake. I hate going to the lake, I'm not going to do it for the fun of it. They did well for a day but this AM they have been picking at each other, all the stuff I HATE like "He hit me!", "No I didn't she's lying to get me in trouble". I try to guide them in working it out, but in the end they are both sent to their rooms because they CAN'T. Lunch is almost done and they're down to their last warning..so what do they do? TAKE MY CELL PHONE TO THE BATHROOM TO SEE WHO THEY CAN CALL! Technically they were working together, but, sheesh. So we went to the store-on foot- the long way- a two hour round trip. Yes I'm a bitch and no this is not actually discipline it's that sometimes I can't find it in me to go out of my way to do nice things when they repeatedly do this crap.
5 months
Today is 5 months. I feel like, in the parlence of my current reading, I'm the victim of a Dementor attack. I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of me and I'll never be happy again. But I have been so busy. I don't have time. The tears are always so close to the surface now.
Too tired to make a proper entry
But vacation Bibke school is over, and I get Harry Potter in just over 9 1/2 hours!!
Independence is GOOD!
I keep telling myself this. Turbo is in full on "I do it mode". I want to encourage it, I need to encourage it, but sometimes it drives me nuts. If he wants an apple, I can't just gat him an apple; he has to oick it out himself and put it on the cutting board. And waiting for him to get his own shoes on.....ahhhhhhh! Then there's the diaper thing...if he wants to fasten and unfasten his own diaper, isn't it time he used the damn potty?
Last night I just had to sigh and tell him "It's a good thing you're so cute, or I'd have to sell you to the gypsies" To which he replies, "I
want you to sell me to the gypsies".
Doughnuts, blindsides and Anne Lamott
Last night I made doughnuts. Fresh homemade donuts with real butter, not crappy trans fats. They are so good. They are so bad for you. Folks, if you want to make points with your mate and offspring, make doughnuts.
While digging through the drawer looking for something to cut the doughnuts with, I come across the cap to a Medela breastmilk storage bottle. How long has it been there? I don't know, but it was like being blindsided. See, there are still all these little reminders.
I don't usually like "chick" books, but I like Anne Lamott. Even though I've taken a very different road I feel a certain kinship...being a kind of funky, liberal, irrevverant Christian. I have the occassional feeling that people will "find me out" ( find out what? That I love Monty Python? That I don't actually listen to Christian music?) Sometimes I don't feel "good enough".
Oh yeah, and..
I really want some coffee, but I have been trying to hold back because I need it to work Friday night. 4 Days to Harry.....
Laundry
Lat week I put in a clothesline. I'm pretty happy, because I love to save money and I am into the ecological thing too. The waether has been iffy today but at this point I don't *think* it will rain so I need to get off my fat tookis and hang the laundry. This week is VBS, so it makes laundry and meals more of a challange. I have no clue how full time working moms do it.
Where have all my values gone?
Long ago, when my eldest was a baby, I had these values. No toy weapons, ever. My kids would never be exposed to violent media. No licensed toys, and certainly no plastic, crappy, made in China toys. My kids would have wooden and cloth toys ( preferably from reclaimed products) that stimulated their imginations in a calm, peaceful way. NOTHING electronic and noisy.
Now, 8 years later, I am ashamed to admit the presents Turbo got for his birthday. A toy lightsaber, a Darth Vadar sprinkler, a bubble blaster, and an electronic Revenge of the Sith book. Oh, and a very cool book of illustrated King Arthur stories. The only educational toys he got were bought by other people.
But he's one happy little Jedi.
Thank You, God.
I really, really needed that, in so many ways. Thank you.
Like I needed more bad news
Raspberry Leaves
The rasperry plants are full of leaves, and even a few berries that have survived the kids and the crows. I had to force myself to pick the leaves...I associate the tea with pregnancy and nursing. But the kids like tea, and I do too, so out we went and picked it.
Dreams
My dreams have haunted me.
A dream of lying in bed with my baby, skin to skin, saying over and over to my husband and midwife, "He can't be dead, he's so
warm". Then having to get out of bed to watch HRH dance and being afraid that while I'm gone no one will hold him.
A dream of helping a friend with her baby who has microcephaly. That same baby, a grown man jogging down the street toward me.
A dream of going to a friend's website that sells baby things to read something she's written, and crying.
I'm sure my brain is working on something, but I don't know what.
