Friday, March 11, 2005


I am struggling so much with this now. Was it the tylenol I took? Was it because I went out that night? My God, I drank a cuppa Gypsy Cold Care that night, did that kill my baby? Or am I being punished? Did God look at me and find me undeserving? I know...I don't intellectually think God works that way. I had a looong talk on the phone today with my senior pastor, who assured me God would never do that. But I *feel* punished. It took me months to welcome my precious baby into my heart. And the day...the whole week leading up to his death, I was tired, cross and impatient with the kids. I guess I am just overwhelmed right now, with the fact that baby Brian was in the safest place on earth, and it was my job to protect him and bring him safely into the world, and I failed at it.


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