raising godzillas

Saying Goodbye

After the nurse helped me get cleaned up, it was time to go to the nursery. I refused a wheelchair and we walked, my husband holding one hand and Pastor holding the other. He was weighed- 4 lb, 13 oz, and measured- 19 inches. So big for 33 weeks! Foot prints and handprints were made on a birth certificate. A little gown and blanket were chosen from the hospital's stores. When I became so tired I needed to get back to my room, I was given my baby to hold. His hands...so like TurboSport's, with the long fingers- his long feel too. His oldest brother's chin and his sister's nose. I couldn't stop kissing his hands and nose. I cried again over him. After I handed him back to the nurse, Pastor walked me back to my room while my husband stayed with baby Brian a bit longer. I slept, and hubby went home to shower and spend a few hours with our kids. He offered them the chance to come see their brother, and they chose not to.
After I woke up, the nurse tried to get me to eat. After I refused to pick anything from the menu, she ordered a sandwich and fries and ordered me to eat. My husband came back. We had to fill out the death certificate and contact the funeral home. I didn't want to, I really didn't want to. Just listening to my husband make arrangements for them to come pick up our baby's body was too hard.

Then, it was almost time to go. The nurse brought us little Brian for the last time. I held him and she took pictures of us with him. My husband did not feel able to hold him again. Just before I gave him back to the nurse, I kissed his little forhead goodbye. It was cold, so cold. She had not even wheeled the little crib out of the room before we were sobbing in each other's arms. I got dressed and she brought us the memory box the nursery had prepared. The little gown and blanket were there, a card with a lock of his hair and a locket for it...and a tiny stuffed tiger. We cried again- his big brothers both adore tigers, and the oldest has a huge stuffed one. having said our goodbyes, we left our baby and returned to the rest of our family.

posted by gojirama @ 2:37 PM