Friday, May 20, 2011

Welcome to the end of the world.

Today is the day where I need to decide if I'm a good enough Christian to spend my last day on Earth eating Brie and croissants, or if I need to stay well to face the times of trial to come. There are two things keeping me from the noshing right now: the fact that I have, in the past month, been called a heretic by those who know me best, and the fact that I've watched too much Angel and Buffy to be overly concerned with another Apocalypse. If it IS coming, there are witty chaotic good folks out there with books and battle axes, preparing to save us all.
But say it does come. What will we be facing?
It was pointed out yesterday, by someone whose identity was probably quickly swallowed by the twitterverse, that RAPTURE sounds a whole lot like RAPTOR. The obviously means velociraptors, but don't forget, Raptors are also ships on BSG.
Add to this the fact that both This Old House and the CDC (yes, the CDC) just released Zombie apocalypse survival guides .
After discussing it with my family last night, the end is clear. God is going to send spaceships full of zombie velociraptors to torture atheists, heathens, and people who thought "Love Wins" was a great piece of theological writing, for some period of time; 100 days, 7 years, 21 years...something like that. Sheesh, people, I'm  a Lutheran, how well do you think I've read the Revelation?
Which means my family just might be hosed. We took stock of our weaponry last night and it looks bad. I've got a short sword and some bodkins....and the pommel on the sword is missing (plus it's still safety tied into it's scabbard from Ren Faire last year). Brian's kukri might make a great beheading weapon..if it's short range didn't allow the raptor to slice him with it's zombified disemboweling claw. We'll do better with our garden tools...our wood splitting axe, chainsaw and long handled snips just might keep them in bay.
Sounds like I should prepare for the end of the world by kickboxing, not indulging in verboten noms. I'll keep my eyes on the cheese plate just in case, though.


At 11:47 AM, Blogger Lone Star Ma said...



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