Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Lutheran jokes

Children in a grade school class were encouraged to bring something to school for show and tell to teach others in the class about their religion. A Catholic child brought a rosary, and explained how it was used to pray. Everyone was very interested. A Jewish child brought a menorah, and explained the Festival of Lights, and Passover, and the class was fascinated.
The Lutheran child brought a casserole.

Lutheran Air Lines
If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.
“Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I wouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes. You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that!Just stuff those back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest with you, we’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet … sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying the Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, which some people say “trespass against us,” which isn’t right, but what can you do? The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may interfere with the plane’s navigational system, which is seat of the pants all the way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the side of your head.
We’re going to start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style with the coffee pot up front. Then we’ll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don’t take yours with you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kidding! Right now I’ll say Grace. “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or pretty close. Amen.’”

Four clergymen met regularly for a weekly breakfast. After a long while they thought they knew each other well enough to confess to each other their most worrisome transgressions. The first pastor told the other 3 he had a problem with alcohol. His problem was so bad that his congregation began to whisper about it - which caused is wife to be embarrassed and ashamed. The second pastor told the others that he had a gambling problem. He was so far in debt that his children may not be able to attend college. And that made his whole family very angry. The third pastor sheepishly admitted an addiction to pornography. He told the others that he surfed the net looking for photos of acts that he and his wife may perform together. When he showed a particular picture to his wife she was immediately offended and became quite upset. The fourth and final pastor hemmed and hawed, making excuses and asked to be exempted from the confession table. The other 3 were indignant. “We confessed to you, now you have to confess to us!” they all demanded, in unison. After unusually strong words and strident remarks, the fourth pastor agreed to confess. “My greatest fault,” he said, “is gossip!”

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lutherans don’t like change.

you know you’re Lutheran when…
…you hear “May the force be with you” on Star Wars and cannot help but reply, “And also with you.”


At 4:35 PM, Blogger Lone Star Ma said...

I take it you are Lutheran and so allowed to tell Lutheran jokes. Quaker jokes are kind of pathetic in my experience...

At 12:03 PM, Blogger B Kinch said...

I once saw a charm bracelet for Lutherans, with regular stuff like a cross and a dove, but also a tiny gold jello mold and a tiny casserole with RECOGNIZABLE CORNFLAKE TOPPING. Genius.

At 1:18 PM, Blogger gojirama said...

Yep, I'm Lutheran.
B--that is just PRICELESS!


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