Saturday, April 23, 2005

Re-defining myself, part one

Posted: 23 Apr 2005 15:56 Post subject: Redefining myself

I am starting to reach that point in my grief process. I'm sure some wonder why I would need to redefine myself. For the most part, my outer life, ie, my activities, has not changed. In many ways I am where I was before. I have my job at church, which I love. I have my three (surviving) spirited kids I am homeschooling. I have my marriage. I still can enjoy science fiction, filk and the Ren Faire. Some outward things are different. I have a post partum body, but no baby to show for it. I guess it counts at outward that this is the first time in 8 1/2 years I am neither pregnant, nursing, or both. This is huge *to me*. It does involve major re-defining. I have a harder time taking care of myself. Not anything major, or self destructive. But, "Eh, why take vitamens?" "Did I eat breakfast? Does it matter?"

Monday, April 11, 2005

Six Weeks

I walk through my life like a zombie. I function, but I do not live. I died six weeks ago. Mt traitor body continues to bleed. I cry almost constantly...from silent tears to body wracking sobs. The idea that I must live the rest of my life, missing my son, bereft, fills me with terror. I always thought I could never survive the death of my child. I have no choice.

But there is a difference between surviving and living.